Holiday break! Relaxation and Christmas abound! Joy! Except for this one thing. As you lovelies know, I was in the thick of college finals just last week. I haven’t received any official grades yet, but my Psychology class had a pretty distressing result.
See, I e-mailed my teacher a couple days ago wondering if he’d happened to have already graded my final. He has. However, he won’t be able to let me know my grade until tomorrow when he returns to campus.
Now…my Psychology grade is a C+. I’m not sure how borderline, or lack thereof, it is. I hope it is. I have faith that is. I believe that it is. (I’m also starving and sleep deprived as I write this, but I’m plowing through anyway because I’m dedicated like that.)
“I believe in possibility.” – Marina and the Diamonds
Incidentally, this is one of the quotes in that inspirational flip book I put together for my dad’s Christmas present.
It rings especially true for me in a time like now. Over the past few days, lovelies, I’ve actually been a little anxious about my grade. What if my parents won’t like me anymore? What if I’m not cut out for this university thing? What if I’m in over my head? What if I’m just not good enough?
That was my ludicrously exhausting thought game. I could actually feel my soul withering. I know that sounds dramatic, but I fundamentally felt dead inside. Worthless. Hopeless. Scared. Pathetic.
But that’s not who I am. I let this notion of incompetence get to me, I let it twist my self-concept. I’m an optimist and I’m a fighter and nothing is going to change that. I won’t let the events of my life dictate my existence. I decide how I think, feel, and act. That’s what my blog’s tagline is all about for God’s sake!
“A place to crash, I got you. No need to ask, I got you.” – Leona Lewis
This is a particularly touching line in Leona Lewis’ “I Got You.” And it speaks volumes about the person I want to be for myself.
A huge part of my recovery was learning to trust myself. Guys, I don’t know how else to say this, but I became my own bully. You know that saying where you can be your own worst enemy or best friend? I was my own enemy. I tore myself down, I spat myself out, I spited myself, I tripped myself, I did anything to get back at me for all of the pain I blamed myself for.
It took me a long time to get to the point where I could tell myself, “No matter how badly you mess up, I’m here for you. I will love you and I will respect you. And if anyone else treats you differently, I’ll protect you and do my best to make them understand.”
Meaning if I can’t persuade my professor to help me with my grade, I’m going to find the resolve within me to accept my shortcomings — I’m only concluding my first quarter at university ever after all — and I’m going to make my parents understand. If they don’t understand, that’s fine. I do.
I’d like to end on the note that, whatever happens, is in God’s Will. With His guiding hand, I’ll successfully persuade either my professor or parents.
~Live boundless. ‘Cause who needs food and sleep anyway? *eye twitches*
P.S. I apologize for any discomfort, mild annoyance, or otherwise unpleasant notion this post may have left behind. I’m hungry, tired, and emotionally drained. And I’m fortunate enough to have a blog where I can admit all that.