Meditation Journal Entry #9: Reflection

I’d really like to call it quits on this week, and it’s only Wednesday. Everything that could go wrong has gone wrong. Instead of complaining, I choose to reflect. 

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“Everyone has a chapter that they don’t read out loud.” – Unknown

Remember when I wrote that poem about secrets? Well, let’s just say, my darkest secret walloped me across the face yesterday. My tears blended with the rain as I walked to my next class. 

I got triggered by a reading assignment for my English class. Badly. I couldn’t stop sobbing for a half hour and my head was already throbbing from the lack of sleep. I had two choices at that point: reach out for help or stay miserable.

A couple of years ago, my answer would have been to stay the way I was. I was too proud to admit that I couldn’t handle everything on my own and, moreover, afraid to be so vulnerable in the first place. Not anymore. There’s nothing wrong with seeking help. Some problems are too big to tackle on your own or, maybe, they’re not too big but you’re just not up to it. Either scenario is perfectly acceptable and completely normal. Never suffer in silence, lovelies.

Hands shaking, I e-mailed my English teacher explaining what happened. See, I didn’t know how she’d react because I’ve only known her since two days ago, and I wasn’t sure if she’d understand. Or care. Or even respond.

She did understand, she did care, and she did respond. This is why I beseech you lovelies to keep an open mind about people. If you let people help you, most of the time they will.

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Yum yum, chocolate fun! (Only when you’re severely sleep deprived do you think ‘yum’ and ‘fun’ actually rhyme.)

 

“Not everyone has a mental illness, but everyone has mental health. It’s your responsibility to take care of your mental health.” — Andrea Nguyen

I’ve been procrastinating quite a bit recently. I almost didn’t write this post because I was so afraid. See, I don’t put things off because I’m lazy or unmotivated, I put them off because I’m afraid I’ll fail. However, the longer I wait, the scarier and larger the task looms in my mind and the harder it becomes to accomplish. It’s a vicious cycle much like negativity. Luckily, I broke it yesterday.

As you lovelies know, I had to drop Finite Math last quarter because I wasn’t doing too well. Despite already taking it and all the studying I did over Winter quarter…I still wasn’t convinced that I was good enough. I thought I’d just fail again and that would be it. The end of me.

Then, I got to thinking….how could I possibly be so sure? I mean, I’m only two days into this class and I’m making judgments about my final grade already? That’s actual craziness.

Back when I was starting junior year in high school, I remember an inspirational speaker came and gave a speech to us. He was very wise and energetic and all, but I was still feeling kinda iffy after my slew of C’s from last year what with my mental health challenges. I just wasn’t sure if I’d be able to rise up from all that. Towards the end of the assembly, he said he had time to speak one-on-one with a few students. I went up to him and told him my plight.

“But that isn’t what you need to focus on. That was in the past. You need to focus on what you’re doing now.”

I’ve done this before…

I’ve picked up the pieces and put them back together into something better so many times. When I re-took algebra, when I recovered from being bullied, when I stopped self-harming, when I started this blog, when I destroyed my stage fright, and so on.

What’s one more time?

~Live boundless.

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29 thoughts on “Meditation Journal Entry #9: Reflection

  1. We all have those days. You’re doing a lot just by acknowledging that you need help. Most don’t even do that. While my personal life has obviously differed from yours, I understand (to a degree at least) how you feel. While I understand your ‘triggering’ might have been difficult, trust me when I say it was in fact a good thing. So many of us wish to hide from our fears, to hide our secrets from the world….but there is always one person who you cannot hide from no matter how hard you may try.

    In my opinion, this is the error in the idea of ‘safe spaces.’ ‘Triggering’ as it has come to be called is a very natural part of life and sometimes it must be done. It brings to surface problems and emotions not because they are bad things, but because they must be resolved.

    If you ever need to talk, feel free to get in touch with me. 🙂 As you say; Live Boundless.

    Like

      1. You’re welcome. Don’t worry, I realize people are busy. After doing these two awards at the same time, I understand. It’s a lot of work. For me, this was more about giving recognition to some of the bloggers who have been so kind and supportive in my blogging adventure, as well as helping a few small blogs get some exposure. While I’d love to read the award post, whether or not you post an actual article about the award doesn’t matter that much to me. :-). Have a great day!

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I’ve missed your posts! So glad you emailed the English tutor and she was helpful – we do all need that help sometimes. You never strike me a doubtful in your blogs at all, I’m surprised you had a crisis of confidence and afraid you’d fail – you’re a blogging champion 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yeah my teacher was super helpful. It’s not that I was afraid I’d fail, I just wasn’t sure that I was ready to talk about what happened, but you know some things you have to do even if you don’t feel ready. I thought that was one of them. Aw thanks for the support! That really means a lot to me 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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