Meditation Journal Entry #10: Guilt

I walked out of my Art class 6 minutes too early two days ago. Sounds trivial, I know, but I have a lot wrapped up in guilt.

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Back when I got bullied, I didn’t hate. I figured that cursing their names wouldn’t make me any different than them. It was all I had to hold onto because the last thing I wanted was to become my enemy.

That rigid sense of right and wrong never left me. I clutch onto it like Gollum does his precious because I deeply fear becoming as evil as them. Any deviance, no matter how small, from my perception of goodness sends guilt tearing through my body. People think I’m just foolish always trying to do what’s right, but they don’t see what happens when I don’t.

Then there’s my sensitivity to punishment. You know how some people can get brutally yelled at and it doesn’t faze them in the slightest? I’m not one of them. My throat closes and my hair stands on end even if I’m not the one being yelled at. I don’t know why. All I know is how unsafe and scared I feel in these situations.

All that culminated into me feeling extremely guilty two days ago. I was convinced that my teacher would flunk me for my next project because I’d committed such a grave sin. Then, my parents would hate me and probably make me drop out of university because I was incompetent enough to flunk an art class that I signed up for.

Sound unreasonable? It does to me as I write this too. I take a lot of things too seriously.(That kept me alive back then too.) At any rate, I think I missed out on some important truths in my guilt-induced stupor:

  • Everyone sins.
  • I’m not one sin away from becoming a heartless, sadistic, embodiment of hatred.
  • I’m not a heartless, sadistic, embodiment of hatred pretending to be a good person.
    • I sin. I’m one sin away from God’s forgiveness. I’m me.

Everyone has good and evil within them, it’s up to us which one we become, and nobody’s falling from grace on my watch. I didn’t come this far to turn around. I came here to change something I didn’t like. I’m not hanging on by a thread anymore. There was a point when compassion and love were the last things I felt for anyone — including myself — and that time has passed. I’m keeping it that way. Fun fact about phoenixes: Once they’re reborn, they don’t go back to their old selves.

Maybe the time has come to re-examine my beliefs about goodness. Maybe there’s more wiggle room than I thought. Maybe I’m blurring the line between right and wrong too much. Whatever the case, I’m sure I’ll find the answer.

~Live boundless.

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24 thoughts on “Meditation Journal Entry #10: Guilt

  1. Loved the Gollum analogy. I just think it’s because you’re such a good person with high morals that you have difficulty deviating away from this. You certainly don’t seem like you’d go off and do anything awful and I’m glad you’re trying to be kinder to yourself for the tiny blips. I tend to think that as long as no-one is hurt or affected by my actions, I’ll be as naughty as I like. I should perhaps not be so easy on myself!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. This was an amazing post, thank you for sharing it with us. The fact that you are so aware of your sense of what’s right, proves you wouldn’t be able to become one of them. I can relate to much of what you wrote in that article. Anyway…it was heartfelt and wonderfully written.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Thank you for this post. You gave me a lot to think about.

    It’s inspiring to see how committed you are to doing what is right, and to see how being “reborn” has changed you for the better in so many ways.

    No one is perfect, and I don’t believe that God asks us to be perfect. God just asks that we never stop trying to do what is right.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I loved this piece, What struck me is your sensitivity, to your feelings and those of others, From what I’ve read of the very reason, God was made flesh in Christ was to relieve us of our guilt of falling short of the pure goodness of God, I use that regularly in my meditations, I look forward to more from you, as I am new here and I just find my ground.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. selfcaremadeeasy says:

    Love this post. Such a good reminder that grace is there for all of us, but we have to choose to accept it! I love how you said that there is good and evil in all of us and we have to choose which one to nurture and grow. Really enjoy your blog!

    Liked by 1 person

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