My motivation has been shot recently, which isn’t really an excuse, so I’m cramming four entries into this post! Also, I know that Day 10 isn’t on here; I’m planning on updating the post in the evening when I get the email.
Day 6: Write about something you want to change.
For this journal entry, I’m supposed to take one thing off the list I wrote on Day One, so I choose to worry less about pride. Ever since I got into university, I’ve been dealing with an inferiority complex like you wouldn’t believe. I’ve been meditating the past few days and thinking, and I think it’s stemming from impostor syndrome. I don’t feel student-like enough, I don’t feel adulty enough, I don’t feel womanly enough, I don’t feel Indian enough, blah blah blah.
Then I remembered something I read from #ownvoices on Twitter. Technically it said POC aren’t monoliths, but I’m expanding that statement to people aren’t monoliths.
There’s no one way to be a student, there’s no one way to be an adult, there’s no one way to be a woman, there’s no one way to be an Indian, there’s no one way to live.
Day 7: Make a list of reds, yellows, and greens.
Things I Need to Stop
- Ignoring my intuition. As an INFJ, I have the most reliable intuition out of the 16 personality types, but I always think it’s wrong. Which is why I had no water with me last Friday.
- Overstepping my boundaries. It’s so tempting for me to pretend that X doesn’t bother me or I’m comfortable starting Y, but I’m not and it isn’t fair to push myself just because other people can or are. This goes back to people not being monoliths; everyone has different comfort zones and capabilities, and there’s nothing wrong with respecting them.
Things I Need to Monitor
- My Twitter usage. It’s great that POC, the LGBT community, spoonies, and so on are speaking out about marginalization and whatnot on Twitter. I just get really stressed out reading through it because I start feeling like I’m not being vocal enough (I’m not comfortable doing that yet.)
- That and I don’t respond well to sticking around negativity of any sort for prolonged amounts of time. It really gets to me.
- My priorities. I decided that it was more important to learn how to dye wigs than take notes on a podcast for English homework last weekend, and Halloween isn’t for another 5 months. I think the problem is that I organize my priorities based on passion. I do whatever I’m most passionate about at the moment. While that may work well for
procrastinating on journal entries for several dayscertain cases, it isn’t the most practical way to approach life.
- If all else fails, I’m 3000% sure I can influence my motivation. Next post is going to be all about that.
Things I Need to Start
- Getting out of my head. I spend a lot of time just thinking and sitting in silence, which is great, but I’m a dark person and those thought processes go off-the-rails quick. If I really want to delve into some emotional disturbances, I should think about them but also write them down like I am right now. I think putting those thoughts outside of me
will make great book materialhelp me process them a little more accurately.
- Wearing socks around the house. It may be April, but the tile is still freezing and I’m tired of getting numb feet.
Day 8: What thoughts do you need to change in your life?
I’m way too hard on myself. The other day I was telling my dad how I had terrible depth perception because I couldn’t tell which lane a truck, about 2000 feet away, was in. In case that number means nothing to you (like it does to me,) nobody can perceive depth that far away. Yet I expected myself to be able to.
It’s a silly example, but the point still stands. My standards for myself are a little (?) unreasonable, but there’s a reason I hold them. I’m afraid that if I’m not hard on myself, I’ll think that everything is okay and I don’t need to try, and I’ll fail in life.
The motivation plot thickens!
Day 9: What changes would you like to see made beyond yourself?
I want it to rain 3 days a week even though its summer, I want my brother to turn into a girl so I can have a sister, I want my dad’s car to morph into an electric blue color so I can feel like I’m driving a pretty car, I want all insects to die, I want WordPress Stats to function properly, and I want to bring back trading because I’m good at crafting but have no money.
I’m only partially joking about these. 😉
Day 10: What changes have you made in your life?
I started a pride logbook where I write down something that damaged my pride followed by an alternative (and more realistic) way to look at the situation.