I’m much too hard on myself, and that’s a fact. I have high expectations and I’m afraid that, if I don’t meet them, I’ll sink into the ground. I’d be lying if I said I haven’t dug holes too large to climb out of before, and I guess that experience never really left me. I’m a protective person and I’m just trying to save myself from going down that path again, but it’s becoming unhealthy.
The other day, I discovered that the Art class I took didn’t actually give Studio Art credit. Meaning I have to take another Art class next year. I informed my dad of this and, while he was upset, his reaction paled in comparison to mine. I tore myself apart and killed off any happiness or motivation inside of me for days. It set me back way further than if I’d just accepted that it was an honest mistake and I could easily make up for it. I even knew it was wrong when it was happening, but I couldn’t stop the thoughts. It was like trying to swim through a tidal wave of worthlessness with a spoon.
I couldn’t forgive myself for failing. I only stopped a couple days later because I didn’t have the energy to keep it up any longer. And that’s not sustainable. I have to come up with a better way to cope with failure because it creeps in all the time; there’s no escaping it. The thing is I don’t even know where to start. That’s why I scheduled an appointment at the counseling center at my university. I’m out of answers again, and I can’t ignore this question.
P.S. I used the WordPress extension for Google Docs to write this post! I’m impressed by how well the formatting transferred over!