For those of you who know Linkin Park as the awesome American rock band that released Hybrid Theory, the title of this post probably seems like an oxymoron. For those of you who don’t know Linkin Park, see the previous sentence. Now this isn’t a joke, I’m quite serious that Linkin Park’s music serenades me, and I’m going to tell you why. At least besides the fact that I have a few screws loose and really like Chester Bennington’s (he’s the main singer) voice.
Back when I was the tender age of 15, I used to listen to Linkin Park all the time on Spotify. (That’s a digital music streaming service for those of you who aren’t familiar.) I was at the brunt of my recovery during that time, and Linkin Park’s music echoed what I was feeling so well that it was almost eerie. On my better days, I’d sit and listen to their music and ponder what they must have gone through to write something so relatable. Mind you, I have no clue how much they actually wrote themselves and what their lives were like before they formed the band. I purposely didn’t look it up because I was going through a lot at the time and I wanted to believe that they had stories like mine, and were sharing them through their music.
Anyway, yesterday I had a run-in with that employment agency I told you about in my previous post that loves to leave/receive voicemail and never answer the phone. Naturally, my overarching sense of shame decided that I was the problem and proceeded to tear me down. (Wednesday can’t come soon enough.) I spent a good half hour practically begging myself to be gentle, but it didn’t really work. The thoughts only stopped because I got tired. Which is exactly what used to happen when I was 15 and blasting music into my headphones so I didn’t have to hear my thoughts. So I thought I’d give it another try because I shouldn’t have to walk on eggshells around my problems.
Mind you, I’ve avoided doing this for a long time because I was worried that the music would be too triggering and make me feel worse. Part of the reason I got so deep into KPOP is because it’s such a stark contrast from what I used to listen to (it was all dark and moody.) But I needed someone to sing to my soul yesterday and that was Linkin Park s
ingular and plural comparison FTW.
Naturally, I set up ground rules that I would change the song if I started feeling too bad or stop listening entirely if the need arose, but without further ado….the soundtrack to my anguish.
Quick Organization Note: I’m listing the number of the song as it appears on the album, but I listened to them in the order that I’m presenting them on this post. I didn’t use the exact lyrics in my explanations because that’s plagiarism, so don’t mind the difference in wording if you look up the lyrics.
06. Easier to Run, Meteora
I find this song really inspiring because, as the title states, it talks about how it’s a lot easier to run from your inner demons than face them. If you lovelies only know the first thing about me, you know that I’m the kind of person who stays and fights. Sometimes I forget that though, and this song reminded me that I’m strong enough to do this. I don’t have to run away anymore.
08. Figure.09, Meteora
This song serves as the perfect soundtrack for my negative thoughts. Mike Shinoda’s rap verse talks about how nothing can stop the painful thoughts and nothing can distract him from how he broke himself down again. Then, he goes on about how he took something he hated and made it a part of himself.
Quick Story: Back when I saw a counselor for self-harm, she asked me if I’d ever been bullied before. I told her yes and pretty severely for 4 years straight. After explaining the whole story, she told me it was a possibility that the bullying was re-manifesting in my self-harm. Meaning I was bullying myself because it was all I knew.
I may have stopped self-harming, but this shame –> self-deprecation cycle still has to go. When people say that recovery isn’t linear, lovelies, this is what they’re talking about. It’s a roller coaster from Point A to Point B, and sometimes Point B isn’t even in the same place that it’s marked on the map. Still, I have faith that this too shall pass and I’ll learn some valuable lessons from it all.
09. Breaking the Habit, Meteora
As the title suggests, this song is about the struggle of breaking a bad habit. Yes, I listened to this a lot when I was trying to stop self-harming, and it was just as meaningful yesterday. I guess it’s soothing to me because it reminds me that it’s okay not to be okay, and everyone struggles from time to time. Life isn’t easy at all. It throws more than we can handle our way a lot, and it’s up to us to stand or crumble. Or both.
I crumbled then stood, and now I’m crumbling a little bit again, but this time I’m catching it early.
13. Numb, Meteora
I used to listen to this song because it reminded me of how I numbed almost all of my emotions when I was in middle school as a coping mechanism. Of course, when I stopped, it felt like I got hit by a tidal wave of emotion.
I listened to it yesterday because I was so tired from beating myself up that I felt numb. When I drain my inner resources, my feelings are usually the first thing to go, so naturally I’m not exactly concerned about my mental state. (Now you see why I was able to write yesterday’s post.) This song served as a wake-up call for me because it reminded me that I was in a very unhealthy place yesterday and need to do something about it before it gets worse. Again, Wednesday can’t come soon enough.
03. Somewhere I Belong, Meteora
I’ve never heard this song prior to yesterday, but I thoroughly enjoyed listening to it. Even though it sounds dismal on the surface, with references to nothingness and confusion, I think it’s quite hopeful underneath because it talks about a desire for healing. In my psychology class, I learned about how even just imagining yourself doing something — say playing a sport — can actually help you improve. It’s because your brain doesn’t know the difference between what’s inside your head and what’s outside of it. #luciddreaminganyone? That’s why I believe even just thinking about getting better can actually put you on that path. At the very least, it’ll give you a more positive outlook, and I’m fairly sure that you lovelies have heard about the effects that positive thinking can have on your life.
And that’s a wrap! I have to say I’m a little surprised at how long this post ended up being, but I’m very satisfied with it nonetheless. For those of you who are wondering, I feel much better today.
P.S. Any fellow Linkin Park fans? Let me know in the comments below!